Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
