So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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