I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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