Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
