I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
