A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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