please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize