Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
