i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
