Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
