We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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