I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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