im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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