Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
