The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We had sex on a dog bed..
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
