my mouth tastes like poor choices
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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