I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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