***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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