Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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