Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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