I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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