Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
