my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He shit in the fireplace
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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