i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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