I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
