I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
