It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
