on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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