Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Enjoy the penises
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
