she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
