you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
