I'd wear matching sweaters with you
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
