walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
