Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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