I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
