I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
