He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
