Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
