I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
