Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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