pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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