ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
