Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
