Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
