the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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