??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
