Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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