thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
How naked do you want me to be?
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