the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
MIDGETS
????
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
