I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
