good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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