Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
