is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
In America we eat man semen.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
