If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
