he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He did a backflip because drugs
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