She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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