Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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