my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
