so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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